Am I weak, strong, a quitter?

As I mentioned in my previous post, I recently took the "StrengthsFinder" assessment for my current class. What I found intriguing, beyond all the valuable information and insight into myself, was the information they shared about strengths in general. Did you know that it's proven research that we try to often fix or strengthen our weaknesses by focusing on them? But that's been proven to be VERY ineffective. However, when we focus on our strengths and work on growing even more in them, then both our strengths and weaker areas are both strengthened?

I haven't been able to shake that fact. It makes sense in almost every area of life. My parenting for example, how motivated are my kids to change when I critique and "fix" everything they do? I'm not saying we never correct or discipline our kiddos, there is a place for boundaries and consequences when you cross them. If I'm seeking to get my kids to clean their room or do their homework or be kind, it's pretty ineffective to motivate them negatively. But it's generally what I default to. I think we all do at times, especially those from the church culture that taught "you do what you're told because you were told to do it". I agree obedience needs to happen at times without knowing why, this is what helps kids from running into the street when we yell "STOP!". I do however believe there's way more beauty than we realize in explaining reasoning to our kids and helping them learn why we believe or do things.

It is our privilege and perhaps biggest responsibility, outside of sharing Christ with our children, to speak life and truth into them about their identity. They are not our carbon copies. Even the one who seems SO MUCH like us that it's almost painful, they are their own different person. And God has made them unique and beautiful and full of amazingness. One of my biggest regrets in parenting already is being so hard and controlling with our oldest when he was a toddler/preschooler. I was so afraid of so many things, one of them being a "bad mom" and having him out of control, that I responded so far the opposite way. I tried to control his every emotion and feeling, and in so doing, not allow to have any I couldn't handle. What I've learned since, is that I can't. I can't control my children and they ARE too much more. Because I am a weak human with my own hurts still healing. My emotions feel too much for me a lot of days. That doesn't mean our feelings are not valid however. What I want to walk into as a Mom is speaking truth about my children to them. About how amazing and beautifully they are created by God.

Which leads me to a slight rabbit trail...When did our Christian culture take on such a twisted view that to compliment the creation is to instill pride? Instead of seeing that when we acknowledge the beautiful ways God made us and the amazing gifts he's given us, that we are giving him glory? If all creation cries out to the wonder of the creator, that includes us! I don't look at the beauty of a tree to tell the tree it's so amazing by itself. No, I remark at how beautiful God's created it to be in all it's splendor. Why do we doubt that we will as sinful humans not act as the redeemed children of God we are (or can be) and not point back to God? I can give my friend a compliment on her peace that she is exuding, and my other friend her beautiful way of leading in worship without instilling a prideful thought in them. It's literally saying "Thank you for using the gifts God has given you. He's made you a beautiful reflection of his glory". Oof anyway. Back to parenting.

I want to be a Mom who helps my children see the amazing gifts and strengths they have. To help them excavate them. So yes, sometimes I need to teach a skill, like cleaning their rooms, and taking joy in organization. But I can do it while telling them what great gifts to see how to do that they have. Not lying, but finding the good in what they can do. They will be SO much more willing to do it then. And I can work alongside them. I thoroughly enjoy "mundane" tasks in my life so much more when my husband or a friend is alongside me sharing the burden or just talking me through it. I can at times do the same to my children.

What about our spouses and friends? What if we call out their strengths and call out their worth when challenging them? We could literally change the world. My life has been changed the last few years by some dear people who know a lot of my ugly and struggles calling out and speaking truth into me. Even when I couldn't believe it, they believed it for me and kept speaking it until I could believe. Which leads me to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

The truth is, God has given me strengths, but oh I feel so weak. I can choose to speak the truth to myself, to others, but there are days I just don't believe it, or I have nothing left. I know the truth is that God is working and has already done great work. That everyday I am stronger in Him and who I am in Him. But there are still many moments when I am beyond weak and disqualify myself. When I just want to quit. I hit a major scheduling mishap with my plan to graduate with my bachelor's degree in May of '21 this month. The program had cut a learning track and with that had displaced my academic plan and I was 2 classes short. I couldn't see a solution and had to wait on my adviser and department head and a less than ideal hopeful plan. Wait. It's not in my control. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to throw in the towel. I'm sacrificing, my family is sacrificing, and it might not even happen "right". Nope, just be done. This made me realize how often quitting is my first instinct. This person hurt me? Walk away. My child is frustrating? Put them in time out versus talking them through it. My husband and I aren't communicating well? Quit the conversation and push him away. OUCH. Quitter. That's not a label I ever realized I was carrying. Then I read those verses, and God whispered, "Just because you feel weak doesn't mean you are when you go to me for your strength. Just because you often want to quit doesn't mean you're a quitter." And he's right (duh). I am NOT that label. I am NOT a quitter. When school is hard I keep trying. I keep emailing my adviser and getting answers. When misunderstanding and hurts with a friend happen I choose to press in and apologize and resolve. When my child is having big emotions and I blow up? I go apologize and hold them. When my husband and I aren't communicating well? I start talking, even when it's hard. I choose to press in and stick with it. Or I'm trying anyway. Because I'm not a Quitter.

I am weak, so weak. Right now I feel weak in many areas. The tears seem on the brink quite often. I feel stuck in waiting and the pain of growing. And that's okay. It will all be worth it. I am weak so that He is strong. And HIS strength makes me strong. I am STRONG. I do NOT quit what I need to stick with. I hear Him and obey his voice and welcome the calamities that make me even stronger in Him.

What about you? What label is the enemy trying to give you today, or has perhaps made you believe for too many years of your life? What does God say about that? Will you ask him today? Will you bring your weakness and labels to him and ask him for HIS truth? The Spirit is waiting, waiting to speak truth to our souls when we don't know it. And find a friend, find a person who will speak truth to you until your heart believes it and can sing along. Know you are loved friend. In our weakness He can shine. You're right where He can use you. Strong, weak, pressing in.

This Writing Thing

The internet is a crazy place. I found myself staring at this white blankness for a few minutes pondering how to start. Do I re-introduce myself back to this inanimate soulless piece of cyberspace? Or to the potential people who might actually read it? Or simply start anew? When did the internet become this void of expanse that doesn't really exist but makes our words reality? Just some philosophy for you today.

It's been almost 3 years since I last posted. My world got smaller and more private with the birth of our 4th child. Malachi Jonathan joined our family on October 8, 2017, overdue and our biggest baby at 9lbs 9oz. I hesitate to say completing our family because God's bigger than our plans and goals. But perhaps saying completing our biological family.

The path I've been walking since his birth has too many twists, turns, and stories to give you a summary here. I hope they will come out in the days to come. Because I need to be here, writing, sharing, maybe over-sharing, and pouring my heart out.

I hid from vulnerability in the "public" eye so much in the past 3 years. Fear, trauma, hurt, more fear. No more. This week, something has changed.

A little note if you don't know me, last July/August God seemed to move in my heart and make it plain I needed to finish my 4-year bachelor's degree. So since the beginning of October I've been taking classes through Bethel University for a degree in Christian Ministries. I said and have said, I don't know what I'll do with it, but God does. This is just obedience to the next right thing. The classes are designed for adult undergraduates, so they are set up in 5 week block classes of one 3-credit class at a time. Not going to lie, it's super intense. It's exhausting. I feel inadequate and weak most days. But I love it. I love learning and growing. Especially about God and myself.

In my current class, we had to take the "StrengthsFinder" assessment. In short it's a large set of questions that help you specifically know your top 5 "Strengths", of which there are 34. It's developed by Gallup and very sound and accurately tested and used worldwide. I find it fascinating how these 5 strengths could also compare to a Spiritual gifts inventory, your Meyer-Briggs types, and the Enneagram. It's all fascinating stuff to someone with a strength of "intellection" like myself. Basically we like to think about thinking. So much of my life makes sense now in an almost humorous way.
My top 5 strengths if you're curious (and I hope you are), were Empathy, Intellection, Developer, Connectedness, and Restorative. Diving deep into some of these provided me some really interesting info, and a new perspective of looking at myself. I've been learning to see the beauty and gifts God has put in me as they truly are. One caution in the Restorative and even in the other strengths, is that I can be VERY self-critical in my introspection. This is very true. I give more grace to others than myself. In being very hard on myself and holding myself to a standard of perfection however, I can come off as if I'm holding others to those standards as well. When I'm really not meaning to or having a heart that way. If I truly believe God made me as unique and special as he says, I need to start treating myself as such. Which means the truth needs to win.

Another intriguing thing about my 5 strengths that led me back here, is that no less than 3 of them talked about how writing is not just a good outlet, but an essential element to my processing, learning, growing, and even teaching. All 5 in fact, talked about how words carry weight and importance and are a gift.

So why did I stop writing? I'll be honest, fear is a big one. Fear and confusion. I've worked through some things in the past 2 years that I'll probably get into in the future. One being anxiety attacks caused by stuffing so much internally rather than dealing with it. I have felt super messy. As I described recently, I feel like my entire world is a snowglobe, and someone has just picked it up and shaken it so hard that everything is still spinning and I don't know what's up or down or right or true anymore. But I'm learning and trusting. Learning to trust God again and more fully. So my words need to come again. With them probably fear I need to battle of not getting it all right or being misunderstood. This time I think that's not the point though. I truly choose to believe God's gifted me with words, and I need to use them. For myself, and for others. I pray my meager offerings here will be a blessing not just to my own soul, but to yours.

So here I am. Beth. Wife of almost 14 years, Momma to 4 living kiddos, now ages 2-10. A student again. A bit lost and not sure of the future. But firmly planted again on the one who's always been my foundation. God is my first love, and the lover of my soul. I pray He is evident in all I say and do.

Thanks for hanging out with me, I think you can "subscribe" or some thing to never miss a post. :) I love conversation, so I'd love comments too. Let's see where God takes us.