A friend posted a blog in October and used the phrase "living contradiction" to describe herself. I about fell out of bed when I read that (I may have been online way too late at night.), because I've had the phrase in my head "walking contradiction" for over 12 years, ever since I was called that by a well-meaning older gentleman co-worker who saw my desire to find a husband and be loved, and my immense fear of the same. I took it so negatively at the time, but throughout my life I've now fondly looked back on it as a true statement, and an okay one. I may be a "walking contradiction" in many ways, but that has only led me to the end of myself and the complete acknowledgement that I need Jesus. Period.
It really does amaze how much we can learn and grow as we mature. I think I always thought that "adults" reached this point where they'd pretty much "got it" and it was all gravy after that. Oh yes, you still learn some smaller stuff or have some momentous occasions, but overall, you just "get it". Whatever "it" is obviously. Now I'm realizing the older I get, the less I even know what "it" is. Or maybe, I get "it", but I also get how far from "it" I am. "It" being maturity perhaps. But especially last summer, as I faced turning 30, I truly sensed my age and adulthood as a reality. And I faced feeling lost. It's sort of surreal when you reach 30 and wonder exactly when did you become an adult and why do you not feel like one or that you've got much to show for it. Except of course when we're counting up stuff to show for our life we tend to look at what the world and our secular culture values. Or perhaps we do look at what's trendy in our Church circles and say "well I have more than one child and we attend church or Bible study and I have Bible verses on my wall and my kids know who Jesus is." etc...
But as I looked at my life and reaching 30 I felt at a loss. I honestly thought as I matured that I would only grow closer to Jesus and by the time I reached "adulthood" I'd be able to say Jesus and I were pretty tight. And I certainly didn't feel that this summer. I wanted to WANT Jesus. And I knew I needed to daily want or at least commit to spending time with Him. But I like my sleep and waking a half hour before everyone else only proved to wake everyone else earlier or make me super crabby. Or I'd try during "screen time" but one child would need a snack or a diaper change or just attention. Or I'd simply put it off for some other thing that needed doing. All good things, but not helping my time with my Savior. But as I DID try to dig into Scripture, and as I read crafted words online of others struggling, I realized I wasn't alone. Especially when it comes to young Moms. But I also realized this; it IS a struggle. It DOES require sacrifice, time, struggle, and tension. And I've learned to embrace that tension. That until we reach Heaven, there will always be that tension between mortal and immortal, spiritual and fleshly, etc...
I've already shared how at IF:Gathering 2015 I walked in practically begging God to show up, to do a work in me, to taste real again. Which to some may sound emotional and feeling based to an extreme, but something I've come to embrace is that not all hard emotion is bad. I grew up being taught by some to not let my emotions control or guide me, or base anything on them. And while in principle I agree that emotions should not be the base for our relationship with Christ/God, I wish I hadn't come away thinking I needed to suppress all emotions and just approach God factually. God gave me the emotions! He created me as a highly sensitive feeling person. Can they overrun me in a negative way at times? Of course! But those qualities also help me relate to the compassionate feeling nature of God. Because He is!
So I'd already begged and seen God to show up, to work in me. But as life is, it's a process. My thirst for time with God was great, my desire to keep growing, to keep learning was strong, but then what? Or rather HOW was the big question. And like He often does, God used a person to take the next step. I was invited to take part in a Bible Study by Jennie Allen (founder of IF) called Restless. And that's exactly how I felt. Enter life change over the next 8 weeks. I wanted clearer direction, life laid out, a voice from Heaven (or least a still quiet wind) saying "Here's your next 10 steps!". But God rarely works like that. Something about our needing to trust Him and walk by Faith. What I can tell you is I gained a peace in being Restless. Because as I said two paragraphs ago, until we reach Heaven, there will always be tension, restlessness.
I gained and learned many things through the study, but some biggies:
1. Affirmation of how small we really are as humans. How insignificant when we look at the short history of the world and how it's all really HIS story. BUT YET, He allows us a small dot, a whisper in the wind to make a difference and live for His glory. He is the one writing our stories, and we need to run our own race for Him.
2. A greater knowledge of who I am as God created me to be. I've taken spiritual gifts tests in my youth ('cause I'm so old at 30 now), and once upon a time took a personality test for a job I had. But I've never allowed them to really sink in and define me. I answered questions the way I knew was "right", or I didn't even know myself well enough to answer correctly. I have one distinct memory in college of going to a conference up in Brainerd as part of the Marketing program I was in, and one of the sessions had to do with our personalities in the workforce. And that time, I really did get categorized correctly. I'm not sure of the method the presenter was using, but she basically broke down everyone into 4 categories, and then put a percent of the population by them. As she got to the last one, I remember it was yellow, and that was where I fell, and she made the comment to the effect of "Anyone who falls into this last category knows that the percentage is going to be 16% because you already did the math." And I laughed and was shocked too, because for the first time someone pegged my brain in a positive way. So I guess since then I've known that I was in a minor category. When someone pegged me negatively I tried to remember that I was a special portion. ;)
So how does this relate to "Restless"? Well one important chapter/lesson was entitled "Gifts" and as one of the projects I actually completed, I took a version of the Meyers/Briggs personality test, and then a spiritual gifts category test. And I was blown away. The Meyers/Briggs test was life changing, literally. I finally saw all the parts of myself that confused me, that seemed "a walking contradiction" be explained and defined and come together into something beautiful. At least in my interpretation. I'm an INFJ. An introvert (Pick yourself back up off the floor friends, it's true!), iNtuitive, Feeling, and Judging. As I read the descriptions, I was blown away, suddenly, I made sense. You can find a summary and in depth explanation here.
To summarize the biggies though, the first giveaway is the title. INFJ's are known as "The Advocate" We are rare, only 1% of the population is an INFJ, and less then 2% of them are women. So basically, I am 1 in a million. ;) "INFJs tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all. "
Well alrighty, that's me to a tee. Famous INFJs include Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa. All people that I get. I get the zeal, the fighting of injustice and equality. The care of the poor and less than. I'm getting worked up just typing these things to you. More detailed descriptions explained why picking a major in college was hard for me. Why I'm so passionate and so confused. Why I love people but just want to be left alone too. Why criticism is so so hard and personal. Why I feel creative but am so not an artist. Why words are the core of who I am and how I express myself. And why I'm sensitive, and how this is NOT a bad thing. I shouldn't toughen up, I can't toughen up, that's who I am and what drives me. That all the times I was told I was "needy", Satan wanted to disparage who God created me to be. Yes, a weakness of INFJs is being sensitive, too sensitive, and being perfectionistic. Things I'm constantly praying about and reminding myself perfection doesn't happen until Heaven.
A struggle with an INFJ personality is with people though. We care so deeply that small talk and acquaintances are super hard. We want to go deep, fast. To connect. To be compatible, and even in friendship, to find a "soul mate". But we are so rare. It's a rather strange irony.
Why do I share that? Because God saw. He saw as I was discovering so much about who I am, that I needed someone to go "Yes! This is awesome and I get you!"
The awesome part of this story is that there were 3 other people in the study besides our leader. As we're discussing the gifts week, it became evident that another gal was an INFJ. What are the "odds" that the rarest personality would be found twice in a group of 5?! I know God did so much more in that study, but that was biggie. A huge connection. And a friendship that's grown and blossomed and been awesome that someone "gets it."
3. Seeing God take that "secular" description of who I am, and define it in His terms, to use who He made me for His glory. So the Meyers/Briggs test obviously had me super excited and passionate, but in the months since the study, I've seen the value in the spiritual gifts test just as high. But they work together! Duh Bethany, because God created ALL aspects of me. He didn't make my personality to be separate or operate separately from each other. The spiritual gifts "test" I took listed my top 3 "gifts", but in reality when I looked at the results I had about 6 that all were within 4 points of each other at the top. And 1 of them surprised me. Faith. REALLY? I've never thought of myself as a Faith-filled person. I've been a doubter of what God is doing, a questioner, a seeker. I've struggled with giving God control of my life, my plans. I assumed this meant I wasn't strong in faith. I've got a whole separate blog post thought about this, but I'll summarize how this pertained now. While I have questioned God's plans, His working things out, and not wanted to give control, I've rarely questioned that God IS. That He IS in control, that He exists, that He is sovereign. And that IS faith. Because I cannot picture a day doubting that God is or was or is to come. Because then there is NO hope. Without God, nothing. I desperately cling to who God is. And because of not understanding Him, I've learned to trust and release control in a greater way. So I'm embracing that I've been given strong Faith. As well as wisdom, knowledge, teaching, and some serious passion! ;)
And that's where this post wraps neatly back to it's beginnings. I don't have to "get it". I can fully embrace my lacking, my walking contradiction of a self, my not getting "it", my messiness, my need of Jesus everyday. And my thirst! I NEED JESUS. All my passion for people, to love, to help, to help them see faith is real, it can be overdone. Because I'm not God. I just need Him desperately everyday in my messiness, my passions.
I've used so many words in this post that originated in October, because I am an INFJ, I'm a word freak. Because I'm passionate, and I want, desperately, for you to walk away from reading these words and to want more of Jesus. To see that we are ALL a mess, we are all broken hurting needy people. And that Jesus is the only answer and reason. All those words people have used to define you, to hurt you, to break you, they are all nothing compared to what Jesus thinks of you. God created me, He created you! He made me to be an INFJ (or the more spiritual description thereof), He made me to be all that I am. And I'm running headfirst into embracing who He lovingly made, and to be all that I can because of that. I may not be a name like Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela, but I don't need to be. I just need to keep running, to be true to who God made me, and to be Real. Even as I look back at the title of my blog, I see God. I see my passion to love people (YOU!) and to be open and real even when it hurts, because then, maybe you can see a small picture of who God is and what He does in broken lives.
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