I've had these words in the notes app of my phone for about a month. As December happens and January looms I enjoy the not abnormal activity of reflection. I'd like to be original, but come a new year, I'm not. But as I transferred those notes into my blog it asked me for a title. As I typed the first thing that seemed fitting, I almost laughed. Because "Bits and Pieces" is what I named my original blog, about 2 decades ago. Apparently some things have long lasting impressions. Or maybe, some things I feel about myself come around again. As much as I remember without going back and reading what may be that painful first blog, I've always felt a bit, disjointed. Or that I wanted to share bits and pieces of my life, because I felt like I was different pieces, random at times, joined together in a weird assemblage of a person. Almost 20 years later, I see now how dissociated I could be in unhealth, and how God has been weaving the pieces of me back together. Now for the thoughts.
I feel like I found a piece or three of myself this year, 2023. I would have thought I could say that previous years, and maybe I did. Or maybe I found some ways to build a path of healing to find these pieces of myself. Maybe I WAS FOUND in ways that allowed that healing by a God who knew where I’d left these pieces all along.
What pieces did I find? So many.
~I found some tangible, like the kind that can say “I love growing things” and "I am pretty good at learning to grow things" and "I love growing things" I never knew that before.
~The piece that does love the change in seasons. The chance to change my focus and my hobbies. The chances to grow and stretch to keep good practices even when the weather changes.
~The piece that loves to read. Not just to expand my mind, but to enjoy the story and characters. I rediscovered the part of me that loves fiction. But I found a new piece of her, the part of her that doesn’t have to love every part of each story or relate or to stop because it hurts too much. I found someone who can read a book without it destroying her emotionally, because she’s okay emotionally.
~I found a piece that loves to nourish not just with her baking, but her cooking food. To be brave and try a new recipe. That part still scares her a little, but it also invites courage.
~I found the piece of me that WANTS to knit and create. The pieces that can have her hands be busy without her mind desperately searching for distraction, dissociation, or numbness. I found creativity a friend again.
~I found the piece of me that knew I was a hard worker. That can wrangle multiple schedules and jobs and give her whole effort. Who can make new connections and acquaintances.
~I got to rediscover the big piece of me that loves to be alone. That relishes the quiet and clarity it can bring. I found though that she likes herself now and can’t wait to hang out with herself and God and give space to hear the Spirit in the quiet.
~I found my voice again, not in writing many words like I thought I would this year, but in listening first, of speaking up when needed, but in humble and thoughtful ways. Definitely not always getting it right, but trying again and again.
~I found my voice as a teacher of God’s word, who needs lots of learning and practice and time, but oh she’s a joy filled and thankful piece. Thankful for church leaders who gave her space and a chance to learn and grow and make mistakes. So much thankfulness and respect for their pieces in my story.
~I discovered a piece of myself that likes hanging out with teenagers. They’re amazing. Who knew?! 
~I found the pieces of myself that still need so much work, so much more of Jesus in them. And I found that all of me, is okay with that. That I like the process and who I am becoming. That I don’t need perfection right now. That there’s so much space for God to change us when we live in redemption, peace, freedom, and love right now.
I read a book in 2023 titled "Liturgy of the Ordinary" and while written from a different denominational perspective than I hold, the truths were unmistakable. I read it by listening to the audiobook, and it's on my list of books that were good enough to purchase the paper copy of so I can go back and re-read sections again. The premise and writings based around how all the "ordinary" things we do in our lives, are liturgies. Liturgy by dictionary difference relates to things we do as public worship, but really, anything we do can be worship, even if not in public. Liturgies in church services are things we do every week, or repetitively, like singing, praying, reading scriptures, the Lord's Supper, etc. But our daily lives, making food, cleaning, reading, etc. all can be liturgies too.
I think that's a bit of the point of things I rediscovered this year, pieces that make me who I am, that add to how I worship and serve God and bring joy to my life and that joy pleases God too. That everything we do, including rest, are worship for God. I'm leaning into what a sabbath actually means for us, and I keep coming back to the words of Jesus from Mark 2:27
“The Sabbath was made for man and not man for the Sabbath."
I don't have it exactly right, I'm just learning, but I'm seeing rest as a gift from God, and we'd do well not to ignore it.
January is now half over, but I love what Emily P. Freeman says "January is the new week between Christmas and the new year". I think most of us can imagine that place of "in between" we often feel in the week between December 25th and January 1st. We are relaxed and out of schedule and yet life goes on and we feel the anticipation of a new year. Emily's premise is take the time, don't rush the reflection, we're not behind. I love that. We don't have to have it all figured out in January, or even July. So many of the pieces I discovered weren't just in January, one or two even solidified in December. So as we start this year, I hope to be alert, to start habits that will last more than a year, and to really lean into Sabbath rest. To be open to finding more pieces, and embracing the ones that are given by God.
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