If you were to ask me, I would use the phrase "I've never really been an athlete." to describe myself. But that would be so inaccurate. A more accurate sentence would be "I didn't play a bunch of childhood sports." It's interesting to me how we as a culture/society use our childhood years to define who we are and what we are capable of. You want to be a professional athlete? Better start playing hockey at age 3 because time far outweighs talent and determination. Can you sense the sarcasm here?
It always amazes me how much our childhood dictates so much of how we view ourselves. In more areas than sports. How the years when we're learning and growing and so immature and have NO clue what life is about, how those years shape our entire beings. And yes, they don't have to define us. I think so often we look at our parents to define us, and rightly they do, they give us life, vision, a sense of what the world is. And they fail. They are sinners and will make mistakes. But as a Momma myself now, I see how much bigger their lives were than I realized. We are all inherently selfish and self-focused as children, as adults even. We don't see the waves of life and the things that affect how our parents are, well parents. I think of the little one suffering a life of abuse, the little boy without a Daddy to guide him, the hurts and disappointments. Their stories are forever ingrained with the consequences of things their parents did or did not do. But yet, that isn't the full story. There are those who will never seek or find redemption, will never move beyond their childhood years in their maturity.
BUT, there are those who Jesus literally plucks out and saves, so dramatically, by His grace. And that is all of us who have accepted His forgiveness. No matter our story, it's all dramatic. It's all a BIG story of redemption, because it's BIG grace.
There's a lot of commas and conjunctions in this post, because sometimes, those little words like if, and, but, or, because, they have huge jobs and explanations.
Why this reflection on our childhoods? Not because I'm a psychologist looking to delve into fixing our childhoods or moving past them or even introspecting on them. I do enough of that on my own and in my over-analytical mind. Rather, I'm looking to consider how little they may need to define us.
I turn 30 this July, 2015. To some of you, that will be so young, to some of you, you're in the same year with me, to others, I'm a little ahead of you on this road. Doesn't matter how you view 30, this is my year to consider it.
Maybe because my husband is 6 years older than I am, but 30 sort of seemed like "Oh okay, whatever" because he hit it awhile ago. But I had yet to hit 25 when he turned 30, so really I didn't give it it's due. And yes, it's just a number. Yet to me, this year, it's a big number. It's significant. So that has led to the introspection.
I said earlier that in our childhoods we have no idea what life is really all about, but do we really ever? As a Christian I firmly believe all of life is about God and His glory. But then there are so many areas that that must be applied to it gets muddled. I can say that phrase, then how does that apply to making my morning coffee? To raising my kids? To doing the laundry? How can I in full seriousness answer the question "How is cleaning my bathroom and making dinner fulfilling the calling to give God glory and fulfilling His call on my life?" How can I answer that if I can barely give an answer to what God's calling on my life is?
In my previous post I expressed one sentence of lament about how I didn't have a bachelor's degree. Interestingly enough that was the sentence that got the most attention on Facebook comments about the post. I've thought about why that was, and the best explanation I can process is that what I thought was just a random small lament addresses a feeling so many of us have internally. A feeling of wondering, of regret, of "what if?", of seeking to define ourselves, to find answers, to possible alternatives, to fulfillment. Whether or not this plays back to looking at our teenage years, our young adult years to set the course for our life, I'm not sure. But I do often wonder at the immense pressure placed on those years, those choices, whether it's right. Yet I also don't believe delaying adulthood and responsibility is the answer. Rather, I'd like to think that heavy decisions can be made in those years, but without the enormous pressure of "Get it right the first time or you'll regret it." sort of mindsets.
We as Christians can fall into this trap. If I heard "What's God's calling?" "What's the mission God is calling you to?" "What does God want you to do with your life?" once, I heard it a million times growing up. Apparently we should spend our entire youth in agony over figuring out what God wants for our entire existence, when we can barely figure out what we should wear that day. We are expected to hear and know God's voice when we haven't been properly taught to know and serve God so we can distinguish His truth. I am NOT advocating that these questions shouldn't be asked, but I am perhaps suggesting that we have not done a good enough job of praying and helping our children to just KNOW GOD first. I am blessed, I had many people, my parents included, who urged and taught me to know and seek God. And yet, I know and find it's a lifelong process. And the more I learn and know God, the more I realize who He made me to be, but I'm still trying to figure out the details. And only then do I even begin to feel like I can answer some hard questions. Ironic considering now I have 3 little people looking to me to help raise them and define them.
I'm turning 30 this year, and I'm just now learning and understanding a little more of myself. Of how my lack of athletic experience as a kid doesn't define who I am today. Because I've spent most of my adult life being active, but yet somehow that doesn't outweigh not playing little league as an 8 year old in my mind. Ridiculousness. And if I can say that's ridiculous, then how much more is it true that God can redefine my emotional and spiritual life as an adult? I can honestly say if I had chosen a bachelor's degree to pursue I may not be using it. I have 4+ years of college credits, they're just sort of random and all over. So also is my knowledge and walk with God at times.
I desperately want to seek to quit measuring myself against "standards", and instead desperately seek the truth God gives in Micah 6:
6 “With what shall I come before the Lord,
and bow myself before God on high?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
7 Will the Lord be pleased with[a] thousands of rams,
with ten thousands of rivers of oil?
Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?”
8 He has told you, O man, what is good;
and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love kindness,[b]
and to walk humbly with your God?
I think I've allowed myself to so be defined by life choices, by feelings of insignificance, by confusion about who I am and what I like, that I've never actually truthfully sought correct answers. The heart of who I am is a daughter of the King of Kings, saved by the Grace and blood of Jesus. In eternity that will be the biggie. But also, God did not place me on this earth without gifts/skills/passions to be used and enjoyed. I'm on a mission, as I turn 30, to seek, realize, and grow them. To grow up a bit more, to find joy in who I have been made to be. What that's going to look like, I'm not sure. But I do think it means I'll be running a bit more this Spring...
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