Serve In This Minute

The title of this post comes from Ann Voskamp's blog today . I cried ugly tears. Because she admits it's hard, and it's holy. The moments, the minutes, the hours, the long nights, the long days, the short years. She says "Every day that you do the hard things that you don’t want to do — you’re building the family you always wanted to have. "

We had family lifestyle photos taken in April, my precious friend Nadalie came and captured simple moments, waking kiddos up from naps, the brave 5 year-old leaping from the furniture like he's been warned of many times, "twuwirling", dancing with the then almost 3 year-old. And my words to Nadalie upon being heartstruck over the images she edited were this: "It was if you'd captured all the moments that I hoped life would be. These (photos) are such a reminder that life has become everything I dreamed." You can view all those amazing images here: http://nadaliejean.weebly.com/blogity/dream-catcher


This all will come out disjointed, and rather quickly, because it's actually a chilly June evening out, after 9pm, but I'm sitting on the steps typing because I love chilly summer evenings, the kiddos were exhausted and tucked into beds over an hour ago after a busy day. A day of simple life. I'm trying to be more diligent in my mornings, to be purposeful, to set goals for myself and my time with my family, with God. To grasp these fleeting moments. "Little things", like doing the dishes every evening (no dishwasher!) so that mornings aren't greeted with discouragement of jobs left undone. Trying to have the coffee ready to brew so the morning looks a bit less bleak. Because I don't want to cringe when I hear the little feet hit the floor above my tired head. I want to rise ready to hug those early morning smiles and bare toes. Tired hugs, but ready hugs. Because God has gifted little glimpses, a little boy who had a bad dream, that was addressed in church to his heart directly, how Jesus wouldn't leave him, so we spent Sunday evening reading how our Jesus calmed the storms, how He tells us to not fear, talking of how Jesus is our stronghold. My boy picked the word "stronghold" out of Psalm 27:1.

"What's a stronghold Mom?"
It's a refuge dear Levi, a safe place NO MATTER WHAT. Should we say refuge Levi, or stronghold?
"Stronghold Mom, because Jesus is strong."
That He is my dear precious loaned gift from God. He's our stronghold, NO MATTER WHAT. How I pray I can be a stronghold for my loaned babies. That NO MATTER WHAT ugly or terrible they bring, no matter their sin, their choices, that I will be a refuge to point them to Jesus. The conversation turned to always choosing Jesus. I pray the day doesn't come, but I found myself telling my 3 & 5 year-old if anyone ever asked them to choose between life and Jesus, to choose Jesus. "Jesus is ALWAYS the best choice babies."

Now, if only I can live that. There are many days, even in the past week, when I feel achy, lonely. When I say hi to a friend in passing and she doesn't hear me, when I see two friends enjoying each other, when I only see my husband in passing, when my days are spent disciplining fights and ugly attitudes of a child, when the dishes are still there every night, waiting for me to keep my goal and new habit. When I read of caffeine holding my weight loss back, but can't imagine my morning without my coffee. Those empty moments when I have no answers, when I wonder who I am.

I'm approaching 30 years-old in less than 6 weeks, and all I wonder about selfishly is if anyone will care? Will I mark another year having blessed the hearts of others, have touched a life, have made a difference? Will my $10 measly given make a difference in another land? Will my fervently whispered prayers for a friend's hurting heart matter? Will I love without holding back? Will I have been a glory to God? Will my husband say he's blessed? Will my children feel loved? Will they know God's gracious love because Momma showed it? I don't know.

I fail, I stumble, I get self-consumed. But I pray that these moments, these fleeting borrowed moments of time from Jesus with my little ones, who are so quickly becoming not so little, I pray they will show, NO MATTER WHAT, that Jesus is ALWAYS the best choice. Because without that, I have no hope, no breath of life.

I cannot explain the aching of my heart that just begs God, for everyone I've known in these almost 30 years, to know Jesus, to want Him more because of something He's done in me. That's how I can serve this minute. There is no better. The seeming inconsequential is of consequence. It has to be, the little turns to Holy I pray.