Did You Know?

It's officially Christmas Season. No exclamation point. I love Christmas, I love the wonderment and the pondering, the excitement and anticipation, the traditions and spontaneous fun. I love it all. But Christmas is complicated for me. The whole season is wrapped in memories. It's such a "BIG" Holiday, we all have memories from our childhood and adulthood engrained in our memories. Some wondrous and amazing, some disappointing and full of sorrow. This year I can't even say I've been excited for Christmas. Hence the no exclamation point. I've been tired, and just feeling like my brain is heavy, and I don't want to disappoint my kids. So we dive right in.

Christmas is also complicated because heavily shrouded in all the memories, are the very real and very big memories of 7 years ago. 7 years ago I was 32+ weeks pregnant with our first son, and sitting on bedrest in St. Cloud hospital. Not knowing, and naively trusting that it would all be "perfect". Not even able to grasp what a NICU stay was going to look like. Not even fully able to just embrace it and therefore be able to cope. Gotta love those hormones. I always know December brings these memories, but somehow the emotion always manages to blindside me. This morning I found myself a wreck of emotions and having a good cry as someone else's hospital picture triggered it all. That's the thing about grief, it can be dormant for months, years, and blindside you. So I have a good cry, and step forward into birthday plans for our almost 7 year old beautiful son. But even this morning, as he awoke coughing so hard he couldn't catch his breath, a symptom every winter of his prematurity, we started up the nebulizer and I tried to hold it together for him.

And I wonder.

I have to get to a place in the midst of my sorrow of thankfulness. Why sorrow? Because the picture didn't look like we thought it would. I didn't spend that Christmas fully pregnant and empathizing with Mary the mother of Jesus like I thought I would. No, I spent it pumped up on painkillers alone in a noisy and sterile NICU unit with only my husband and 1 week old baby. And I had to leave my baby there for another 10 days. Every night, saying good night and praying he'd be there in the morning. And he was relatively healthy! I can't even imagine the worse scenarios. They tell you he'll be fine, that he's a fortunate one, but you never know.
And in sorrow, I pause to remember, to be thankful that it makes me wonder and empathize with Mary after all. That thousands of years ago she too was alone on Christmas (let's not get into the semantics about the dates okay? Go with the Christmas flow here.) with no one but her husband and baby about to be born. Alone.

And this Christmas I feel the heartache of friends dealing with hospitals, with loss, wth a son still an ocean away not here celebrating with them just yet. Someone's missing from so many of our celebrations, yes? And this year, I ache a bit. We thought we'd have the anticipation of a baby. That my belly again would be swollen with a growing babe to add to our family. We hung a Christmas ornament on our tree this weekend that we bought Christmas of 2013 when I was incredibly pregnant with our given easily baby, Joel. A star, with the inscription, "A Baby is a promise for tomorrow." No promises this year, but still hope.

We've been reading Ann Voskamp's book "Unwrapping the Greatest Gift" with our kiddos every night this December. A Great Advent book. I didn't grow up with the concept of Advent, perhaps why I've fully embraced it with my kids. The anticipation, the stories, the building of hope and joy, the longing for what is to come. The comments "Mommy, the star is the end right? The star for Baby Jesus?" Yes kiddos. The star, the whole story, from creation on, it was ALL about Jesus. And the scriptures about Creation groaning make all the more sense. All through the Old Testament, the longing, the promises, the anticipation of a Savior was there. Heavy. A broken world waiting.

Last night we read about Abraham and Sarah, (we're a day behind already, don't even get me started) And the promise of a baby, and the laughter. Ann's imaginative description reads
"Abraham laughed happy. And when news of a miracle child reached the ears of his wife, Sarah, she laughed too- but Sarah laughed sad. Sarah laughed the way you do when you think someone is teasing you, and you laugh brave so you don't cry hard. Sometimes you use laughter like a shield to protect your heart. Could Sarah let down her guard and believe that God would be gentle with her dream to hold a child of her own? Sometimes when your heart hurts, your head hurts to believe."

I think we can all probably empathize with that. Will we let our guard down and believe that God will be gentle with our dreams? And then I remember, He's the giver of those dreams. I love how the story of Abraham and Sarah, of all the stories, they point to Jesus. The coming Messiah. The promise of a baby who would change the world.

The song "Mary Did You Know?" seems to always get some joking and heat during this season. "Of course she knew! The Angel told her!" But did she comprehend it all? Of course not. Could she have known all the details as the song says?
"Mary did you know that your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you?"

Somehow I don't think she imagined all those details. She knew he was the promised one, but what that would play out as and look like, probably not. We see at the crucifixion of Jesus that His mother Mary was there, ALONE, weeping. Historians tell us Joseph had died by this point. Joseph, the chosen earthly father of our Savior, NOT humanly saved from the thing we all face, death of our earthly bodies. Jesus didn't raise his own father from the dead, or heal him, as far as we can tell. And so there was Mary, alone essentially, at the cross, weeping as her promised savior is murdered. Did she know? She could hope, but she wept. And Jesus, He knew, and He cared. He told John, to care for her, that he was now her son. Could Mary have know He'd rise again? Yes, and No. We give her the grace. We are mortal and finite. We don't see the eternity always. But we have the promise.

And so, it's true. "A Baby is a promise for tomorrow." Not just our babies, but THE BABY. The Baby who would grow to be the man, who died for our sins, so that we have a hope for tomorrow.

So this Christmas, I ponder, I ache, I grieve, I remember sorrow, pain and heartache. And I hope, with joy and anticipation, for the day, when the Savior of the world will return, and the pain and sorrow will end. Advent reminds us that as the world waited for a Messiah, and groaned with the pain of it, 400 years of silence from their God?! So we wait, Not alone in silence, never again alone, we have the Holy Spirit speaking daily in us, and this world is quickly catapulting to the glorious return of that Savior. A return that will be forever, not just 33 years.
And so, as I grieve over 4 babies in heaven, not in my belly or arms this Christmas, I rejoice.

My beautiful 4 1/2 year old Daughter yesterday asked and wondered "Momma, will we celebrate Christmas in Heaven?" She stopped me in my tracks. "I'm not sure Baby, because Christmas is all about celebrating Jesus' birthday, and in Heaven we'll be with Jesus  forever." She replied "Then Momma, it'll be like Christmas and a party everyday because everyday is someone's birthday and in Heaven we'll be with all the people and their birthdays!" She was right. So I replied "Emelia, do you think that Heaven will be even better than any party or Christmas or birthday or best day we could imagine?! Because we'll be with Jesus and it'll be better and a huge party every single day?!" "Yes Momma! It'll be amazing!" And it will.

Another quote from Ann's book:
"Joy is the gigantic secret gift that God gives us and we never stop unwrapping. WE were once all ALONE, but now we've been given a Child- the many-many-many-great-grandson of Abraham, the Baby Jesus. And Jesus makes us laugh because He's coming to save us and free us from all our fears."

So this Advent, we can cry, we can grieve, it's okay for it to not all be happy and excitement, but it IS JOY. We are saved. We anticipate the day the pain is gone. We DO KNOW. He's the great I AM. JESUS. 

And If Not

There's a beautiful worship song that's become pretty "popular" among Christians/churches/worship services. (Warning, this YouTube version is significantly long.)

Oceans

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

This last Winter and Spring Andrew and I started praying pretty hard, about many things, but one being what God would have our family look like. Not going to lie to you, adding a 3rd child to our family and buying a house in that mix had been a pretty taxing thing on me. I've written about how God has called me to a deeper knowing Him, a deeper relationship, a new awareness of my dreams and callings. But that isn't always a pretty picture in the happening. I lost my patience many times with a toddler who doesn't communicate well, with a preschooler and grade-schooler who don't have understanding of "personal space" or time even. I felt like I'd lost my calling as a Mom. God has been so gracious to walk us through this, as I'm still walking in it many days. My husband, he's learning to give me space and time, and he's always supported my endeavors.

All this to say, that having 3 kids (2 miscarriages too) in 4 years, it was a lot. I needed to take some deep breathes, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. But by this Spring we walked ahead with confidence, that God was calling us to pursue another child. Please note that I didn't say "giving birth to another baby". Because with our experiences, we knew pursuing pregnancy doesn't mean a healthy baby on the other end. I literally told the 2 friends in the Bible study I was doing at the time, "We know we need to do this, no matter the outcome, be it a healthy full-term baby, a preemie, a stillbirth, a miscarriage, secondary infertility, whatever the outcome, God is calling us to this." 

Such boldness and faith we held in our hearts. And so we started the process. When you've dealt with many rounds of infertility and some simple crazy birth stories, you know deeply how much of a miracle each of your children really are and that it can be a long road. Which is how it felt the first 2 months. All to result in a negative test and starting the process again. Except it didn't. So I checked in with my Dr. "Take another test." Fine, more money down the drain it felt like. Except it wasn't. Positive?! I love seeing the goofy grin on my husband's face when he hears/sees this. I am NOT one of those woman who keeps something like this to myself for a while. Andrew knows immediately. And usually one friend so I can babble without annoying my husband. 

Fast forward, a new dr, several visits, not knowing my exact due date because of the craziness of treatments, an ultrasound, a "come back next week and we'll check again." 

Because that little line at the top of the black circle felt like it held all our hope. A smidgen of a baby, but one that didn't seem big enough. But truthfully? Our hope still lay with Christ. With the calling God had given us. Because as the song "Oceans" says

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

That was the last picture we'd have of our baby. The next week just brought the news that our baby hadn't grown, and in fact was gone. I'll spare you the details but we had to make some choices for my safety and chose a procedure later that week. God was in the details. My Mom was visiting and was such a blessing to our family and our kiddos that week. 

And our kiddos, we told them, they tried to process the loss of joy over a new sibling they hadn't known about. And when they asked, we asked them to pray, to have the Spirit share with them if our baby had been a boy or girl, and what the baby should be named. 

The next week, when I was still getting my strength back, Levi came into our room before bedtime, and he shared that the baby should be a girl because he wanted to name her Josie. Because he liked the name and it was a good name for our baby. 
Josie: May Jehovah add or "God will give"
So fitting for a baby that was indeed given by God, and added to our family. 

I wish I could show you all the notes and projects that our kids have made since the end of July. They grieve in their own ways. Just this week Levi showed me what looked like a math project "4+6=10  family" (He totally counts the dog as a member of the 6 in our living family.) 
4 siblings in Heaven, + 6 "people" here on earth = 10 our family. 

My grieving? I'm not sure what it's looked like. More peace. Our previous miscarriages were after Levi, before our other two living kiddos. More unknown, less hope, more loss. And less knowing God of who He really is. I never doubt that God has this path laid out for our family. For me. Is it easy? No. Is it Fun? No. Is it financially difficult? Yes. Would I choose it? I can't answer that, because in my human frailty I'd much rather avoid all the heartache. But I would choose the grief and pain everyday for the work God has done. I have a longing for Heaven that I would never have had unless I knew that I would meet 4 children there someday. We're studying what Heaven is really like, now and in the 1000 years and eternity to come of the New Heaven on Wednesdays at church right now. And the first week I was given a picture in my head, of my dear Grandma Otto, who lost a baby herself, who loved me and taught me to trust Jesus, to cling to Him, of her and my 4 children, just watching, and waiting, and praising God in the meantime. And I felt an urgency, to be there with them, to be whole in the presence of Christ. 

What I do know in this grieving process, is that it is of God. My version of good is NOT His. I know that my husband and I have had better talks than before. That this is OUR grief, not mine alone. That our kids constantly bringing up Josie and the babies is hard, much harder than imagined, but it's caused me to not stuff, but to reiterate on a daily basis the truth about the goodness of God to them. "Levi and Emelia, can we trust that even if we don't think something is good or right that God has a perfect plan and we can trust Him always?" 

So I'm walking in trust. I'm fighting daily for trust. That when my days feel dark and less than hopeful, when I'm tired of being sad, of feeling "broken", of my body feeling like my enemy, that God is still good. 
I've dealt with postpartum depression before, and it seems as though my hormones are taking that ride this time too. But I'm fighting back, and also embracing the sadness. Because by saying that it's hard, it gives the enemy, Satan and evil itself, way less power. Because the truth of God needs to be spoken, out loud, over and over. The worship music gets played when the day seems dark. When I can't sing the words, I trust that they are still being written on my heart, that God's glory is still being proclaimed through my life. 

Which makes "Oceans" so true:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior


My faith will be made stronger. It is. And I WILL walk where He will call. I have to proclaim that, cling to that truth, even when my flesh fails and it doesn't feel like the truth. 

Which brings us to this Sunday. It was a day we missed a lot of the worship at church, but we sang a version of "It is Well" and my entire being rebelled. "It doesn't feel well Lord, my soul feels anything but well right now. I'm tired Jesus, I'm tired of the fight, the fight to be well and not sink into despair. I'm tired of fighting my flesh and of clinging desperately. I need to be held."
And then in the sermon, the truth of God proclaimed "Only Christ's righteousness is our identity." It's not about me, my striving. Oh I need to work, literally workout and keep my hormones in check, I need to do the work of fighting my flesh and be in the Bible daily, of clinging to my Savior. But that clinging is to a Savior who is already holding me. I cling, but I am never in danger of being dropped if my grip loosens. In fact it can. I can rest, I can fall into trust. 

We closed the service yesterday by singing "Good Good Father" 

And as we sang over and over 

"You are perfect in all of your ways

Oh, You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us"

The tears flowed and my heart said "Yes, embrace this. If you don't believe this, it is all for nothing. Your hope rests on this."

And today I proclaim it again, He is perfect in all of His ways. We said Yes to God this Spring no matter what. If He gave us life to hold and raise and cherish for this life on earth, AND IF NOT, HE IS STILL GOOD. 

And today, He is STILL good. In this death, this life, this walk of faith, in this grief, not in spite of it. 

You're a Good Good Father. Perfect in ALL of your ways. And we praise you.

Restless and Real

I usually have a pretty clear thought of where I want a blog post to go, or at the very least, a major thought I just have to get out in my words. And I have notes upon notes of possible blog topics, things working in my heart and life. But it's ironic that I actually started this particular blog post back in October, but just never got it finished or felt "happy" with it. But today as I read back over what I had started with, I see the theme! I see what God was doing, and I have to finish it. I love how He does that, how hindsight IS really better than current or foresight.

A friend posted a blog in October and used the phrase "living contradiction" to describe herself. I about fell out of bed when I read that (I may have been online way too late at night.), because I've had the phrase in my head "walking contradiction" for over 12 years, ever since I was called that by a well-meaning older gentleman co-worker who saw my desire to find a husband and be loved, and my immense fear of the same. I took it so negatively at the time, but throughout my life I've now fondly looked back on it as a true statement, and an okay one. I may be a "walking contradiction" in many ways, but that has only led me to the end of myself and the complete acknowledgement that I need Jesus. Period.

It really does amaze how much we can learn and grow as we mature. I think I always thought that "adults" reached this point where they'd pretty much "got it" and it was all gravy after that. Oh yes, you still learn some smaller stuff or have some momentous occasions, but overall, you just "get it". Whatever "it" is obviously. Now I'm realizing the older I get, the less I even know what "it" is. Or maybe, I get "it", but I also get how far from "it" I am. "It" being maturity perhaps. But especially last summer, as I faced turning 30, I truly sensed my age and adulthood as a reality. And I faced feeling lost. It's sort of surreal when you reach 30 and wonder exactly when did you become an adult and why do you not feel like one or that you've got much to show for it. Except of course when we're counting up stuff to show for our life we tend to look at what the world and our secular culture values. Or perhaps we do look at what's trendy in our Church circles and say "well I have more than one child and we attend church or Bible study and I have Bible verses on my wall and my kids know who Jesus is." etc...

But as I looked at my life and reaching 30 I felt at a loss. I honestly thought as I matured that I would only grow closer to Jesus and by the time I reached "adulthood" I'd be able to say Jesus and I were pretty tight. And I certainly didn't feel that this summer. I wanted to WANT Jesus. And I knew I needed to daily want or at least commit to spending time with Him. But I like my sleep and waking a half hour before everyone else only proved to wake everyone else earlier or make me super crabby. Or I'd try during "screen time" but one child would need a snack or a diaper change or just attention. Or I'd simply put it off for some other thing that needed doing. All good things, but not helping my time with my Savior. But as I DID try to dig into Scripture, and as I read crafted words online of others struggling, I realized I wasn't alone. Especially when it comes to young Moms. But I also realized this; it IS a struggle. It DOES require sacrifice, time, struggle, and tension. And I've learned to embrace that tension. That until we reach Heaven, there will always be that tension between mortal and immortal, spiritual and fleshly, etc...

I've already shared how at IF:Gathering 2015 I walked in practically begging God to show up, to do a work in me, to taste real again. Which to some may sound emotional and feeling based to an extreme, but something I've come to embrace is that not all hard emotion is bad. I grew up being taught by some to not let my emotions control or guide me, or base anything on them. And while in principle I agree that emotions should not be the base for our relationship with Christ/God, I wish I hadn't come away thinking I needed to suppress all emotions and just approach God factually. God gave me the emotions! He created me as a highly sensitive feeling person. Can they overrun me in a negative way at times? Of course! But those qualities also help me relate to the compassionate feeling nature of God. Because He is!

So I'd already begged and seen God to show up, to work in me. But as life is, it's a process. My thirst for time with God was great, my desire to keep growing, to keep learning was strong, but then what? Or rather HOW was the big question. And like He often does, God used a person to take the next step. I was invited to take part in a Bible Study by Jennie Allen (founder of IF) called Restless. And that's exactly how I felt. Enter life change over the next 8 weeks. I wanted clearer direction, life laid out, a voice from Heaven (or least a still quiet wind) saying "Here's your next 10 steps!". But God rarely works like that. Something about our needing to trust Him and walk by Faith. What I can tell you is I gained a peace in being Restless. Because as I said two paragraphs ago, until we reach Heaven, there will always be tension, restlessness.

I gained and learned many things through the study, but some biggies:

1. Affirmation of how small we really are as humans. How insignificant when we look at the short history of the world and how it's all really HIS story. BUT YET, He allows us a small dot, a whisper in the wind to make a difference and live for His glory. He is the one writing our stories, and we need to run our own race for Him.

2. A greater knowledge of who I am as God created me to be. I've taken spiritual gifts tests in my youth ('cause I'm so old at 30 now), and once upon a time took a personality test for a job I had. But I've never allowed them to really sink in and define me. I answered questions the way I knew was "right", or I didn't even know myself well enough to answer correctly. I have one distinct memory in college of going to a conference up in Brainerd as part of the Marketing program I was in, and one of the sessions had to do with our personalities in the workforce. And that time, I really did get categorized correctly. I'm not sure of the method the presenter was using, but she basically broke down everyone into 4 categories, and then put a percent of the population by them. As she got to the last one, I remember it was yellow, and that was where I fell, and she made the comment to the effect of "Anyone who falls into this last category knows that the percentage is going to be 16% because you already did the math." And I laughed and was shocked too, because for the first time someone pegged my brain in a positive way. So I guess since then I've known that I was in a minor category. When someone pegged me negatively I tried to remember that I was a special portion. ;)

So how does this relate to "Restless"? Well one important chapter/lesson was entitled "Gifts" and as one of the projects I actually completed, I took a version of the Meyers/Briggs personality test, and then a spiritual gifts category test. And I was blown away. The Meyers/Briggs test was life changing, literally. I finally saw all the parts of myself that confused me, that seemed "a walking contradiction" be explained and defined and come together into something beautiful. At least in my interpretation. I'm an INFJ. An introvert (Pick yourself back up off the floor friends, it's true!), iNtuitive, Feeling, and Judging. As I read the descriptions, I was blown away, suddenly, I made sense. You can find a summary and in depth explanation here.



To summarize the biggies though, the first giveaway is the title. INFJ's are known as "The Advocate" We are rare, only 1% of the population is an INFJ, and less then 2% of them are women. So basically, I am 1 in a million. ;) "INFJs tend to see helping others as their purpose in life, but while people with this personality type can be found engaging rescue efforts and doing charity work, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all. "
Well alrighty, that's me to a tee. Famous INFJs include Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa. All people that I get. I get the zeal, the fighting of injustice and equality. The care of the poor and less than. I'm getting worked up just typing these things to you. More detailed descriptions explained why picking a major in college was hard for me. Why I'm so passionate and so confused. Why I love people but just want to be left alone too. Why criticism is so so hard and personal. Why I feel creative but am so not an artist. Why words are the core of who I am and how I express myself. And why I'm sensitive, and how this is NOT a bad thing. I shouldn't toughen up, I can't toughen up, that's who I am and what drives me. That all the times I was told I was "needy", Satan wanted to disparage who God created me to be. Yes, a weakness of INFJs is being sensitive, too sensitive, and being perfectionistic. Things I'm constantly praying about and reminding myself perfection doesn't happen until Heaven.

A struggle with an INFJ personality is with people though. We care so deeply that small talk and acquaintances are super hard. We want to go deep, fast. To connect. To be compatible, and even in friendship, to find a "soul mate". But we are so rare. It's a rather strange irony.
Why do I share that? Because God saw. He saw as I was discovering so much about who I am, that I needed someone to go "Yes! This is awesome and I get you!"
The awesome part of this story is that there were 3 other people in the study besides our leader. As we're discussing the gifts week, it became evident that another gal was an INFJ. What are the "odds" that the rarest personality would be found twice in a group of 5?! I know God did so much more in that study, but that was biggie. A huge connection. And a friendship that's grown and blossomed and been awesome that someone "gets it."

3. Seeing God take that "secular" description of who I am, and define it in His terms, to use who He made me for His glory. So the Meyers/Briggs test obviously had me super excited and passionate, but in the months since the study, I've seen the value in the spiritual gifts test just as high. But they work together! Duh Bethany, because God created ALL aspects of me. He didn't make my personality to be separate or operate separately from each other. The spiritual gifts "test" I took listed my top 3 "gifts", but in reality when I looked at the results I had about 6 that all were within 4 points of each other at the top. And 1 of them surprised me. Faith. REALLY? I've never thought of myself as a Faith-filled person. I've been a doubter of what God is doing, a questioner, a seeker. I've struggled with giving God control of my life, my plans. I assumed this meant I wasn't strong in faith. I've got a whole separate blog post thought about this, but I'll summarize how this pertained now. While I have questioned God's plans, His working things out, and not wanted to give control, I've rarely questioned that God IS. That He IS in control, that He exists, that He is sovereign. And that IS faith. Because I cannot picture a day doubting that God is or was or is to come. Because then there is NO hope. Without God, nothing. I desperately cling to who God is. And because of not understanding Him, I've learned to trust and release control in a greater way. So I'm embracing that I've been given strong Faith. As well as wisdom, knowledge, teaching, and some serious passion! ;)

And that's where this post wraps neatly back to it's beginnings. I don't have to "get it". I can fully embrace my lacking, my walking contradiction of a self, my not getting "it", my messiness, my need of Jesus everyday. And my thirst! I NEED JESUS. All my passion for people, to love, to help, to help them see faith is real, it can be overdone. Because I'm not God. I just need Him desperately everyday in my messiness, my passions.
I've used so many words in this post that originated in October, because I am an INFJ, I'm a word freak. Because I'm passionate, and I want, desperately, for you to walk away from reading these words and to want more of Jesus. To see that we are ALL a mess, we are all broken hurting needy people. And that Jesus is the only answer and reason. All those words people have used to define you, to hurt you, to break you, they are all nothing compared to what Jesus thinks of you. God created me, He created you! He made me to be an INFJ (or the more spiritual description thereof), He made me to be all that I am. And I'm running headfirst into embracing who He lovingly made, and to be all that I can because of that. I may not be a name like Martin Luther King or Nelson Mandela, but I don't need to be. I just need to keep running, to be true to who God made me, and to be Real. Even as I look back at the title of my blog, I see God. I see my passion to love people (YOU!) and to be open and real even when it hurts, because then, maybe you can see a small picture of who God is and what He does in broken lives.

Dreams and Lessons

I did something this Spring I had always thought and sometimes said was not necessary. I took my middle child (and also the youngest by way of sibling care) to an early childhood education class. For one hour every Thursday morning my almost 4 year old and I played together, painted, did learning activities, and then sat in a circle and sang songs with other Mom’s and toddlers/pre-preschoolers. And then for another hour Miss E would be under teacher supervision as she snacked, played and learned, while I joined all the other parents in a semi circle under the conversation direction of a parent ed coordinator. No big deal right? Hundreds if not thousands of other parents do this nationwide weekly. But for me, it took humbling and learning to get me in the door. I consider myself a pretty common sense and smart person. Parenting was challenging, but doable. Lots of prayer, tears, a little yelling unfortunately, but overall, I was handling it. And then I had kids. ;) Kidding, but really, so often we’re experts until we actually have to do the activity. So we had 1 kid, who was smart, and a self learner, and we had play groups and friends. I didn’t see a need for ECFE. At all. Then we had two kiddos, I was still good. Then baby number 3, I was doing okay. But the older they have gotten, the more humble I hope I’ve become. And this winter, even with Levi off at Kindergarten, I found myself willing to admit I needed focused time with Miss Emelia. No brother’s competing for attention or demanding it, and Momma fully willing to get down and play. Playing is hard for me, I do better with words or games or activities. Playing dress up or store or camping? Stretching experience. 

All this to explain, I was shocked to realize how much I looked forward to the Parent Ed hour each week. I made a few new friends, and I learned a lot. I no longer have all the answers, and I’ve come to admit each family needs to do things their own way. There’s common sense yes, and new tactics and plans to try, but no family will ever look exactly the same. 

So yesterday, at our last class for the Spring, with a break for Summer, and no guarantee we’d all be in the same class again next Fall, I found myself a little teary. I was so gently reminded how God weaves all of our stories together, and I’d come to love getting to know these other Mommas. I felt like I needed more time, needed to ask more questions, learn more babies names and family stories. In the midst of our discussion yesterday, we were talking about surviving and thriving in Summer, parks to take the kids to, activities in the community to attend, etc. And then we tangeted into talking about mountain biking and camping and places farther away to visit. And I realized, I knew a lot about fun things to do like this. Even our coordinator said “you’re not from here originally, how do you know all these places?” And I was again humbled, because in and of my introverted self I wouldn’t. But I have a husband who loves to go, to do, to explore, to hike, to bike, to camp, to spend time together. He’s always reading the paper and community events and mentioning things to me. 

I married a man who loves by spending time, and that may not be my primary need filler, at least, I like to think it’s not. But when I stop to reflect, all my love languages (words, touch, etc.) take time to fill. So when I look at this man who loves to spend time with me, doing things, going to new places, I see so much love. I could sit in ECFE and sound like a local, because I’ve experienced so many things in the almost 10 years we’ve been doing this marriage together. We’ve had our share of issues, needs, hurts, and screw-ups, but I’m married to a man who comes home every evening and wants to be with his family. That’s a huge huge gift. And in the midst of this writing he ordered my coffee wrong and I wanted to get crabby, but how do you get crabby when you’re writing about how he wants to spend time with you? Dilemmas. 

We just returned from our first big family trip, to Texas and back via our rusty red van, 3100 miles and 12.5 days later. I’ll write more of this in a later post, but I can honestly say I cried leaving our friends’ home in San Antonio on our way home. Because taking this big family trip was dream of mine. Not this one in particular, but any family trip. I haven’t seen as much of our country as I’d like in my 30 years, and I definitely have a sense of adventure. But also a distaste for flying. I’ll do it, just not my ideal thing. So roadtripping across part of our country actually sounded like fun. The kids did great, and I read books! I drove some too, but mostly I looked out the window or read. And my soul was filled by dreams come true, reading theology filled books about God’s grace in everyday life and pursuing God’s calling on my life, time to just think in relative quiet, and time with dear friends and my family. So maybe it wasn’t the Texas and Ocean I didn’t want to leave, but the taste of dreaming and fulfillment. 

All this muddles together into my acknowledging that I still have some big dreams and experiences to have. They might look different from when I was 15, 20, even 25, but at 30 years old I’m learning more and more about who I am, who God created me to be, the talents and gifts He built into me, and what it might look like to just run my race for His glory, dreaming all the while. And about who I’m not, and what I need in my life, like ECFE. 

And this blog, it’s some mileage in that race. Obedience and dream filling all in one. Because I’m learning when my soul is filled by the God who designed it, it naturally overflows into others. And we need each other. No matter what lies we believe, we NEED each other. We need real and broken. I’ve had the words to a song running through my heart this month, and how true they are: 

“Truth is harder than a life, The dark seems safer than the light, And everyone has a heart that loves to hide. 

I’m a mess and so are you, We’ve built walls nobody can get through, 

Yeah, it may be hard, but the best thing we could ever do, ever do, 

Bring your brokenness, and I’ll bring mine 

‘Cause love can heal what hurt divides

And mercy’s waiting on the other side

If we’re honest 

If we’re honest…” 

I always thought I knew myself, now I’m realizing how much of a stuffer I am, how I’ve hidden even from myself. My humbling is in admitting I’m a mess, even to myself, to say I need the Mommas at ECFE, I need my husband, I need true honest friends, I need my family, I need Jesus. I want to quit hiding behind myself, quit denying gifts God has given me because they don’t look like I want. I want to run, freely run my race. It will be messy, it will be broken, but I pray it will be healing. For me, and for you. So will you join me? If we’re honest…

IF God

2 years ago, a conference for women started publicly. IF:Gathering. I heard about it in advance, but knew our precious Joel would be born right about then, so I didn't register. Which he was, 4 days before.

Last year, I signed up for the local event, I wanted to go. I needed to get out of the house and I'm usually game for anything. By the time I walked into the doors of IF:Local (the gathering is broadcast on the internet worldwide, with a very small percentage actually at the live venue.) I was a little more than game for anything. I was desperate, for God. I felt so depleted spiritually. Many factors were in play, but it had been a long spell of dryness. Years perhaps? Between three kiddos during church, sermons weren't getting through very effectively. I'd try to read the Word, but between little sleep, interruptions from 3 small children, I felt like God was so far off. I tried praying, listening to podcasts, seeking wisdom. But it all felt a bit like hitting a wall. I sought repentance, reconciliation, anything that could be making me a far off from God. That's the point, I tried.

So by the time I walked into If:Local 2015, I was desperate. I pleaded with God for some grace, to just show up. I had shown up, I needed Him to. I realize now that I'm pretty good at asking God for physical or material things, but in my twisted self-reliant logic it's very hard for me to ask Him for spiritual blessing. Which is SO contrary to Scripture. Romans 12:3 even talks about our faith being assigned, or given by God.

God in His huge grace and love, of course, showed up. It's not like He hadn't been there all along. But He made Himself and His goodness known to me that weekend in huge ways. I could give you a million details, but one huge one being that my husband and I had been praying, desperately seeking God's face, about how and where our oldest son should be educated for Kindergarten. There's a lot of history between our experiences of being in public school, homeschooled, and in Christian school, but for our son, for our family, we were at a loss. We've jokingly said we prayed more about this decision than we did about having children. I was weepy and felt heavy all weekend about this decision. And God, in His care, placed a young Kindergarten teacher at my table. My fear was no one else would love my son like I could. She told me "Of course no one else can, except God. And He knows what your son needs." Okay, message received. We prayed and I cried many more times about Kindergarten, but it's so fun this year to see our precious boy flourishing exactly where God wanted him this year.

The biggest thing to come out of IF:Local 2015? I knew God again. In all the soul-sucking dryness of the previous years, I had put my eyes on myself, on my striving, instead of on the one who asks me to walk by faith that HE would provide. Jennie Allen, the founder of IF, preached a message that still resonates with me. She spoke of living by sight, how we ask "Am I enough? Are we going to be safe? What is it going to cost?" If we live by sight, we want the answers to those questions, we want to SEE God play out in our lives. But a walk of faith, a life of faith, totally busts up those questions. "JESUS is the story. The souls of men are the story of this generation. We are at War, the prize is FAITH." Shake me to my core. She went on to suggest, that maybe the little mustard seed of faith, is saying "I want Jesus. I want my life to ask better questions." And in the first few hours, I knew that God saw my desires, my need to know Him. I needed Jesus, I needed to want Jesus again. All in some humility huh? And the last profound quote? "Don't try to measure up when you have God who more than measured up for you." So it's not all about me? (Sarcasm here friends.)

There were many more moments of insightful truth from Scripture that weekend, including Angie Smith, who I just love, and her parallel of being a cheerleader. Over and over, these humble but seemingly big women of God, shared how it's NOT about a platform, but about God. When we desire and abide in Jesus, the suffering (Oh there was plenty of sharing about that.), the pain, the mundane, the big, it's all worth it, for God.

To leave that Gathering of women worldwide, to feel broken and whole all at once, I still felt a bit desperate. Desperate to cling to what I'd learned, what I'd seen God do, what I'd felt come alive again. But 3 words I wrote down on a rock that day, to symbolize what God was asking for my year, were this: "Dwell, Love, Real." I knew I needed to Dwell where God had placed me, in my family, town, friendships, but also to dwell with Him. To grow and see and taste God once again. To find faithfulness. To Love, to love well those who God put in my path, not to seek out who I wanted to love. Real, to put aside the pretense, the "I'm okay and I'm a good Christian.". To be real about the struggles, the insecurities, the dryness. To just live my walk and faith.

It's been an amazing year. It's been a hard year. I've hurt, I've anguished, I've felt as though it was too weighty and hard. That to walk and abide deeply with God was costing too much. That I felt pulled at all times. A huge desire to serve God, but many head butting moments of running into walls of distraction and those who would tell me it didn't need to be so costly. And fear. Fear when our winter was full of sickness, and my little boy was sick once again. And God would call me to lay aside my pride, to reach out, fearing rejection, to other women to pray over my son and myself. To ask them to pray for faith for myself, to trust God. And they did! Women of God circled around me (On Facebook messaging of course, because I love how God works!) and didn't condemn my fear but gently lifted up my face to see my Father who loves my son more than I could, and just wanted me to trust. These women helped me see that being real, being open to condemnation, was also being open to love and friendship and blessing.

I've learned this year to be in the Word, whenever I can, even when I don't "feel like it". That choosing Jesus in my day, is sometimes hard, but always good. I've learned the Holy Spirit has way more power than I ever imagined, that He is a God of healing and fighting our battles and the heavenly ones as well. I have learned the power and gift that the Holy Spirit is. That the devil and evil would love nothing more for us than to do what he is doing so well. To make the Holy Spirit a source of controversy, of division, and to discount His power in us. But I've also learned that honesty, seeking God, and utter reliance on Him brings the Spirit and His power to real truth in our lives.
I've learned that faith is way different than I was striving for. I've seen many difficult times and conversations with my husband, but I've seen a love and desire to be all in for Jesus growing between us that is only from God. I've pursued and been pursued by new friends. Women of God that I never knew I needed. I've seen the beauty of walking with each other in our brokenness, of being open and vulnerable not counting the cost. And I've been blessed. And I have failed. Over and Over again, in my striving, in my pride, in my insecurities. But I've known God. I've tasted and seen and I can never, ever, go back.

So coming up to IF:Gathering 2016, I was all about it! I was in! I invited, prayed and anticipated. And in the weeks leading up to it, I struggled. I dealt with my own sin, fear, pride, insecurities, you name it. But I also knew that I knew that it was a spiritual battle. And yet again, God knew and provided. I was asked to be a table leader for this year's gathering, leading up to 5 other women in discussion during the gathering. (I almost declined! Thankful for prayer!) This lead to learning that IF, specifically Jennie Allen, were asking that many come and fast and pray and seek God the Wednesday before IF. I originally thought I would simply fast from distractions. Which meant from social media, internet, texts, television, anything that would distract my mind from focusing on what God wanted from and to do in IF. But Tuesday night I was convicted. I don't do well with no food intake, my blood sugar likes to plummet, but I was convicted I could sacrifice the extras. Specifically no carbs, sugars, extra intake, etc. It was such an interesting day! I really didn't know what these fasts would hold or how they would help, but suddenly my spirit was one of prayer and seeking, and my heart open to what God wanted to do. I was convicted of sin I didn't know I was harboring, of attitudes I was holding onto, and I was moved to pray, to seek God and His word. Beyond just praying for IF I was mindful all day of God. My focus shifted. My children enjoyed the extra focus too! It wasn't easy, it wasn't in my own power, but it was worth it. It was like the kind of pain that you would willingly endure again because the outcome was worth it. I was thankful.

Walking into IF:Gathering this year was such a different experience. Instead of feeling desperate for God, for anything, I felt peaceful. I knew God could move, would move, and I knew my heart was prepared. Except! Except I hadn't really been praying for what God wanted to teach me personally, but rather more for others and IF as a whole. But like God always does, He knows. And like Jennie Allen so often does, she preached truth! She is so real, so vulnerable. IF is NOT about her, it's about obedience to God. Her vision from God, "Disciple a Generation" is being done by His power alone. I wrote down these questions: Do I feel like I am not enough for God? Has my fear of man, my being a people pleaser, turned to being a pleaser of God in my own strength? It stings a bit now how similar this is to last year. How much I feel that I've grown but yet how the same old sin keep making itself known in my life and heart. Jennie shared how in the upper room discourse in John 13 the disciples themselves were worried about being enough, about measuring up. That when Jesus uses His ACTIONS, instead of words, by washing their filthy feet like a servant, they couldn't handle it. Peter especially didn't want Jesus doing this. He wanted to protect his pride and he wanted to be the one serving his Savior. He wanted to be it all for Jesus. Which sounds pretty, but is just as ugly as our dirty feet. When we know who we are in Christ, we have nothing to protect, no name to make, and we can be free. "If we want to be free, stop trying so hard!" And at this point, I wept so hard. I cried because I felt so in bondage of not "being enough." Of coming so far in my life spiritually and of still disappointing my Savior. There are days when I wonder if I'll ever get past believing I need salvation and grace that is FREE from my sins, but still think I need to earn God's favor. And then Jennie addressed that too. Confess the sin to be free! What IF I asked Jesus to wash the dirt, the insecurity, the striving, the not measuring up, the anger, etc...what if it could all go away by His forgiveness?!?
That the truth is, I have enough and I am enough, BUT ONLY because Jesus is ENOUGH. Repent and believe.
What followed was such a sweet time of confession, of asking for forgiveness of sins, because then, God can work.

If I ever wanted to doubt the authenticity of IF, of these women, that God was in it, this confirms to me that He is. Because those who will publicly confess seek and humbly seek forgiveness, that is the heart of God.

Jennie Allen quoted Brene Brown and it just stuck with me so I had to look it up. And it's good. "Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it."

This is something I want to be real in my life. That I will stop running from my fears, from my insecurities of being enough, and find enough in Jesus.

There were so many other amazing preachers at IF. Eugene Cho: "Our following of Jesus has to be rooted in Jesus being who He says He is...Is it possible we are more in love with the IDEA of following Jesus than we are with Jesus and actually following Him?" "To follow Jesus: 1. Know Jesus loves you. 2. Hear the TRUE voice of Jesus. (I.e. His word!) 3. Love People that are hard to love."
Angie Smith: "Satan asks 'Are you sure you can trust God'? God asks us: 'Where are you? What is the posture of your heart towards me?'" In Genesis 22 God tests Abraham. God DOES test us. When we are tested, are we focused on the thicket or the cross? Are we certain about the 'ram' (provided as a one time sacrifice)? or are we certain about the lamb (Of God!)?"
And then the surprise preaching of David Platt (He wrote "Radical", which could change your life).
1. Recognize the unique place God has you. -Privatized Christianity is a profound curse in our culture.
2. Realize what is at stake for the people around you. -What's hateful and arrogant is to not tell people Jesus is the only way! Hell is at stake! What will it take for the concept of the unreached to become intolerable in our church? (And my heart?!)
3. Remember the simple purpose He has given us. -Jesus revolution and ministry revolved around 12 men, not the thousands. This would change the world. *Make a Disciple* Give my life for this purpose!
He together with Jennie Allen challenged us to go home, invite friends, ask questions, have no agenda, love our people, love the unloveable.
Not with urgency, fear, striving (there's that word again!), comparison, etc, but out of love. To be a domino, to fall into each other, to fall into someone who needs Jesus through us. We go.

So the final moment of IF? To take one step of obedience. To literally write on a domino what my "domino choice" would be. One place I will fall. Ugh, obedience. (Sarcasm alert!) You mean I have to actually put truth into practice and live out what I've been poured into? ;)

Like I said earlier, it amazes me how the lesson of dwelling from 2015, of stopping trying being enough, was still relevant and pertinent in 2016. So my challenge, my choice?

"Love and write courageously. Be Willing. Give."

So long though this blog may be, it feels a bit like desperation. Because I HAVE to start writing again. It's a step of obedience I've felt impressed on my heart especially this winter, and I've run in fear from it. I haven't wanted to be this vulnerable, to possibly fail at writing. To be criticized or marginalized, even if just in someone's brain as they read my blog. I've even been fearful of sharing how IF has been used by God to change my life. Because I don't want something I love to be picked apart. I don't want to have to defend what God is doing. Because it's been amazing. But fear, fear is never obedience. And so I'm putting this out there. I pray it blesses you. But even if it doesn't, it's okay. I'm trying to obey. And that means writing courageously, and loving you courageously. So today, if you feel the dryness, the desperation I so often have, I just want you to know, God knows. He's never changed or failed. He's there, and He wants you. In fact He's pursuing you.

So no more striving, no more being enough, because Jesus was and is enough.