IF God

2 years ago, a conference for women started publicly. IF:Gathering. I heard about it in advance, but knew our precious Joel would be born right about then, so I didn't register. Which he was, 4 days before.

Last year, I signed up for the local event, I wanted to go. I needed to get out of the house and I'm usually game for anything. By the time I walked into the doors of IF:Local (the gathering is broadcast on the internet worldwide, with a very small percentage actually at the live venue.) I was a little more than game for anything. I was desperate, for God. I felt so depleted spiritually. Many factors were in play, but it had been a long spell of dryness. Years perhaps? Between three kiddos during church, sermons weren't getting through very effectively. I'd try to read the Word, but between little sleep, interruptions from 3 small children, I felt like God was so far off. I tried praying, listening to podcasts, seeking wisdom. But it all felt a bit like hitting a wall. I sought repentance, reconciliation, anything that could be making me a far off from God. That's the point, I tried.

So by the time I walked into If:Local 2015, I was desperate. I pleaded with God for some grace, to just show up. I had shown up, I needed Him to. I realize now that I'm pretty good at asking God for physical or material things, but in my twisted self-reliant logic it's very hard for me to ask Him for spiritual blessing. Which is SO contrary to Scripture. Romans 12:3 even talks about our faith being assigned, or given by God.

God in His huge grace and love, of course, showed up. It's not like He hadn't been there all along. But He made Himself and His goodness known to me that weekend in huge ways. I could give you a million details, but one huge one being that my husband and I had been praying, desperately seeking God's face, about how and where our oldest son should be educated for Kindergarten. There's a lot of history between our experiences of being in public school, homeschooled, and in Christian school, but for our son, for our family, we were at a loss. We've jokingly said we prayed more about this decision than we did about having children. I was weepy and felt heavy all weekend about this decision. And God, in His care, placed a young Kindergarten teacher at my table. My fear was no one else would love my son like I could. She told me "Of course no one else can, except God. And He knows what your son needs." Okay, message received. We prayed and I cried many more times about Kindergarten, but it's so fun this year to see our precious boy flourishing exactly where God wanted him this year.

The biggest thing to come out of IF:Local 2015? I knew God again. In all the soul-sucking dryness of the previous years, I had put my eyes on myself, on my striving, instead of on the one who asks me to walk by faith that HE would provide. Jennie Allen, the founder of IF, preached a message that still resonates with me. She spoke of living by sight, how we ask "Am I enough? Are we going to be safe? What is it going to cost?" If we live by sight, we want the answers to those questions, we want to SEE God play out in our lives. But a walk of faith, a life of faith, totally busts up those questions. "JESUS is the story. The souls of men are the story of this generation. We are at War, the prize is FAITH." Shake me to my core. She went on to suggest, that maybe the little mustard seed of faith, is saying "I want Jesus. I want my life to ask better questions." And in the first few hours, I knew that God saw my desires, my need to know Him. I needed Jesus, I needed to want Jesus again. All in some humility huh? And the last profound quote? "Don't try to measure up when you have God who more than measured up for you." So it's not all about me? (Sarcasm here friends.)

There were many more moments of insightful truth from Scripture that weekend, including Angie Smith, who I just love, and her parallel of being a cheerleader. Over and over, these humble but seemingly big women of God, shared how it's NOT about a platform, but about God. When we desire and abide in Jesus, the suffering (Oh there was plenty of sharing about that.), the pain, the mundane, the big, it's all worth it, for God.

To leave that Gathering of women worldwide, to feel broken and whole all at once, I still felt a bit desperate. Desperate to cling to what I'd learned, what I'd seen God do, what I'd felt come alive again. But 3 words I wrote down on a rock that day, to symbolize what God was asking for my year, were this: "Dwell, Love, Real." I knew I needed to Dwell where God had placed me, in my family, town, friendships, but also to dwell with Him. To grow and see and taste God once again. To find faithfulness. To Love, to love well those who God put in my path, not to seek out who I wanted to love. Real, to put aside the pretense, the "I'm okay and I'm a good Christian.". To be real about the struggles, the insecurities, the dryness. To just live my walk and faith.

It's been an amazing year. It's been a hard year. I've hurt, I've anguished, I've felt as though it was too weighty and hard. That to walk and abide deeply with God was costing too much. That I felt pulled at all times. A huge desire to serve God, but many head butting moments of running into walls of distraction and those who would tell me it didn't need to be so costly. And fear. Fear when our winter was full of sickness, and my little boy was sick once again. And God would call me to lay aside my pride, to reach out, fearing rejection, to other women to pray over my son and myself. To ask them to pray for faith for myself, to trust God. And they did! Women of God circled around me (On Facebook messaging of course, because I love how God works!) and didn't condemn my fear but gently lifted up my face to see my Father who loves my son more than I could, and just wanted me to trust. These women helped me see that being real, being open to condemnation, was also being open to love and friendship and blessing.

I've learned this year to be in the Word, whenever I can, even when I don't "feel like it". That choosing Jesus in my day, is sometimes hard, but always good. I've learned the Holy Spirit has way more power than I ever imagined, that He is a God of healing and fighting our battles and the heavenly ones as well. I have learned the power and gift that the Holy Spirit is. That the devil and evil would love nothing more for us than to do what he is doing so well. To make the Holy Spirit a source of controversy, of division, and to discount His power in us. But I've also learned that honesty, seeking God, and utter reliance on Him brings the Spirit and His power to real truth in our lives.
I've learned that faith is way different than I was striving for. I've seen many difficult times and conversations with my husband, but I've seen a love and desire to be all in for Jesus growing between us that is only from God. I've pursued and been pursued by new friends. Women of God that I never knew I needed. I've seen the beauty of walking with each other in our brokenness, of being open and vulnerable not counting the cost. And I've been blessed. And I have failed. Over and Over again, in my striving, in my pride, in my insecurities. But I've known God. I've tasted and seen and I can never, ever, go back.

So coming up to IF:Gathering 2016, I was all about it! I was in! I invited, prayed and anticipated. And in the weeks leading up to it, I struggled. I dealt with my own sin, fear, pride, insecurities, you name it. But I also knew that I knew that it was a spiritual battle. And yet again, God knew and provided. I was asked to be a table leader for this year's gathering, leading up to 5 other women in discussion during the gathering. (I almost declined! Thankful for prayer!) This lead to learning that IF, specifically Jennie Allen, were asking that many come and fast and pray and seek God the Wednesday before IF. I originally thought I would simply fast from distractions. Which meant from social media, internet, texts, television, anything that would distract my mind from focusing on what God wanted from and to do in IF. But Tuesday night I was convicted. I don't do well with no food intake, my blood sugar likes to plummet, but I was convicted I could sacrifice the extras. Specifically no carbs, sugars, extra intake, etc. It was such an interesting day! I really didn't know what these fasts would hold or how they would help, but suddenly my spirit was one of prayer and seeking, and my heart open to what God wanted to do. I was convicted of sin I didn't know I was harboring, of attitudes I was holding onto, and I was moved to pray, to seek God and His word. Beyond just praying for IF I was mindful all day of God. My focus shifted. My children enjoyed the extra focus too! It wasn't easy, it wasn't in my own power, but it was worth it. It was like the kind of pain that you would willingly endure again because the outcome was worth it. I was thankful.

Walking into IF:Gathering this year was such a different experience. Instead of feeling desperate for God, for anything, I felt peaceful. I knew God could move, would move, and I knew my heart was prepared. Except! Except I hadn't really been praying for what God wanted to teach me personally, but rather more for others and IF as a whole. But like God always does, He knows. And like Jennie Allen so often does, she preached truth! She is so real, so vulnerable. IF is NOT about her, it's about obedience to God. Her vision from God, "Disciple a Generation" is being done by His power alone. I wrote down these questions: Do I feel like I am not enough for God? Has my fear of man, my being a people pleaser, turned to being a pleaser of God in my own strength? It stings a bit now how similar this is to last year. How much I feel that I've grown but yet how the same old sin keep making itself known in my life and heart. Jennie shared how in the upper room discourse in John 13 the disciples themselves were worried about being enough, about measuring up. That when Jesus uses His ACTIONS, instead of words, by washing their filthy feet like a servant, they couldn't handle it. Peter especially didn't want Jesus doing this. He wanted to protect his pride and he wanted to be the one serving his Savior. He wanted to be it all for Jesus. Which sounds pretty, but is just as ugly as our dirty feet. When we know who we are in Christ, we have nothing to protect, no name to make, and we can be free. "If we want to be free, stop trying so hard!" And at this point, I wept so hard. I cried because I felt so in bondage of not "being enough." Of coming so far in my life spiritually and of still disappointing my Savior. There are days when I wonder if I'll ever get past believing I need salvation and grace that is FREE from my sins, but still think I need to earn God's favor. And then Jennie addressed that too. Confess the sin to be free! What IF I asked Jesus to wash the dirt, the insecurity, the striving, the not measuring up, the anger, etc...what if it could all go away by His forgiveness?!?
That the truth is, I have enough and I am enough, BUT ONLY because Jesus is ENOUGH. Repent and believe.
What followed was such a sweet time of confession, of asking for forgiveness of sins, because then, God can work.

If I ever wanted to doubt the authenticity of IF, of these women, that God was in it, this confirms to me that He is. Because those who will publicly confess seek and humbly seek forgiveness, that is the heart of God.

Jennie Allen quoted Brene Brown and it just stuck with me so I had to look it up. And it's good. "Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it."

This is something I want to be real in my life. That I will stop running from my fears, from my insecurities of being enough, and find enough in Jesus.

There were so many other amazing preachers at IF. Eugene Cho: "Our following of Jesus has to be rooted in Jesus being who He says He is...Is it possible we are more in love with the IDEA of following Jesus than we are with Jesus and actually following Him?" "To follow Jesus: 1. Know Jesus loves you. 2. Hear the TRUE voice of Jesus. (I.e. His word!) 3. Love People that are hard to love."
Angie Smith: "Satan asks 'Are you sure you can trust God'? God asks us: 'Where are you? What is the posture of your heart towards me?'" In Genesis 22 God tests Abraham. God DOES test us. When we are tested, are we focused on the thicket or the cross? Are we certain about the 'ram' (provided as a one time sacrifice)? or are we certain about the lamb (Of God!)?"
And then the surprise preaching of David Platt (He wrote "Radical", which could change your life).
1. Recognize the unique place God has you. -Privatized Christianity is a profound curse in our culture.
2. Realize what is at stake for the people around you. -What's hateful and arrogant is to not tell people Jesus is the only way! Hell is at stake! What will it take for the concept of the unreached to become intolerable in our church? (And my heart?!)
3. Remember the simple purpose He has given us. -Jesus revolution and ministry revolved around 12 men, not the thousands. This would change the world. *Make a Disciple* Give my life for this purpose!
He together with Jennie Allen challenged us to go home, invite friends, ask questions, have no agenda, love our people, love the unloveable.
Not with urgency, fear, striving (there's that word again!), comparison, etc, but out of love. To be a domino, to fall into each other, to fall into someone who needs Jesus through us. We go.

So the final moment of IF? To take one step of obedience. To literally write on a domino what my "domino choice" would be. One place I will fall. Ugh, obedience. (Sarcasm alert!) You mean I have to actually put truth into practice and live out what I've been poured into? ;)

Like I said earlier, it amazes me how the lesson of dwelling from 2015, of stopping trying being enough, was still relevant and pertinent in 2016. So my challenge, my choice?

"Love and write courageously. Be Willing. Give."

So long though this blog may be, it feels a bit like desperation. Because I HAVE to start writing again. It's a step of obedience I've felt impressed on my heart especially this winter, and I've run in fear from it. I haven't wanted to be this vulnerable, to possibly fail at writing. To be criticized or marginalized, even if just in someone's brain as they read my blog. I've even been fearful of sharing how IF has been used by God to change my life. Because I don't want something I love to be picked apart. I don't want to have to defend what God is doing. Because it's been amazing. But fear, fear is never obedience. And so I'm putting this out there. I pray it blesses you. But even if it doesn't, it's okay. I'm trying to obey. And that means writing courageously, and loving you courageously. So today, if you feel the dryness, the desperation I so often have, I just want you to know, God knows. He's never changed or failed. He's there, and He wants you. In fact He's pursuing you.

So no more striving, no more being enough, because Jesus was and is enough.